Dear E90 BMW 325i: Bite me you steaming pile of shi*...

[1320-20V]

Dear BMW:

You are retards.

Is the weight balance of my slushbox car so critical to warrant placing the battery in the trunk? Because I was pretty damn pissed today when i realized that I could not open the electrically operated trunk release today with the battery dead. Oh sure you provided me with a wildly inconveniently placed positive terminal and no ground. I suppose this whispy 1" long hex hex standoff into the body will suffice.

I would also like to thank you for making it totally impossible to put the car in neutral without it running. Shift lock override? nonsense. Who would ever need that? I appreciated this when the car was about as movable as Stonehenge in the garage, with its right side battery post buried in the right hand stall, up against the wall where it was nearly inaccessible. Thankfully my GTI has a left mounted battery, in the left garage stall so that its terminals are 400' away from the BMW's. I of course had to construct the most rube-Goldberg arrangement of jumper cables known to man, breaking out a dilapidated set that was once used by Ben Franklin and a lightning bolt. After stringing then through both engine compartments, several trash cans and boxes I was able to connect both cars together.

Magic happened. The BMW springs to life, it's headlights illuminated, the dual zone climate control sensed the 104 degree ambient temperature and throttled the fans to full afterburner. The seats moved, the steering wheel moved, the radio tuned in and blared, and the dash illuminated the full FAA-Approved set of landing lights, back-lights, side lights, a video played in the screen, everything you could ever ask for and then some. I pushed the engine start button, and nothing....

Apparently the disco that is initiated upon space docking the five times larger than a normal key-keyless "key" had exhausted the allspark in the trunk. You know the trunk that was locked, protecting the allspark as if it was royalty. Several more attempts resulted in nothing more than a click.

My impromptu transmission line was enough to open the trunk however, which I might add cannot be opened with its key. the key will unlock the trunk, but does not pop the solenoid. Wonderful. What a kick in the pills. The 22 stray electrons that made it over to the BMW took pitty on me and joined forces to pop the solenoid from the inside button. I had cracked into the trunks norad like defenses, surely the allspark would be mine in short order.

It was not to be. I cont even figure out how to get the 13 layers of ballistic plastic away from the positive terminal. the negative terminal sits there naked, taunting me. The positive of the allspark however is covered by a fuse-able link, a circuit breaker, a roll over protection switch, a gas vent, and of course a metal bracket to hold the battery down in the event the car is dropped from the space station and lands inverted. I pull on all the above, but the force is strong and the 104 degree heat is melting away my will to live.

I surrender and replace the battery cover.

I scream at the car, unleashing a slew of profanity which clearly alarmed the neighbors in our relatively upscale neighborhood. The women and animals are spooked, and the men understand.

I return to the pleasant confines of the air conditioning and let the BMW trickle charge. If it starts fire, i don't care. Fire might be cooler than the outside temps anyway.

30 minutes later I go outside and sit in the car. I have a man to man with the dash, and mention that i have 5 gallons of unleaded, and 2.5 gallons of premix if it wanted to get lippy with me and refuse to start. I'm pretty sure I intimidated it. I pressed the key, engaged disco mode, and went for the starter button. It worked! the car was running and I backed it out of the garage for better access.

I sent my sister out in it and told her to take it for a long drive to let it charge. specifically telling her to drive it a while and not turn it off. I just got the call from her a minute ago. of course she drove it for 5 minutes, and turned it off.

I'm on my way over there now.

Thank fully the temperature has plummeted to 98. Hopefully I will succumb to heat stroke before I have to open the hood for the second time today.

The ultimate driving machine is not the ultimate starting machine.

[VadGTI]

Instant TCL classic.

<-- had to jump an Audi with a battery located under the rear passenger seat and underhood terminals last night... In the dark .

[nicoli]

So for your troubles...that was awesome

[Lepsis3942]

Just for the record, most newer cars are putting the battery in the trunk.

Our 300C has it in the trunk and that was 2005

[VarianceVQ]

This thread would be 10x more entertaining if the OP had a FWD Chrysler sedan.

[jetta2.8]

Epic, just pure epicness

[G2BForReal]

Great read...sad story. I feel your pain about the heat...this is ridiculous.

[Gbeav]

That was awesome.

[Ed52]

Please, may we have more of your entertaining rants. They are worthy of being published in "Motor Trend". Your bit was the best laugh I've had all day...Seriously..
Awaiting eagerly for you next report!

[titleist1976]

Lmao. That sucks, but so funny. Mymsister would have done the same dumbass thing and would have blamed me in the end.

[Nobelium]

ha.

[Lepsis3942]

Please, may we have more of your entertaining rants. They are worthy of being published in "Motor Trend". Your bit was the best laugh I've had all day...Seriously..
Awaiting eagerly for you next report!

You should read Juniper Monkey's thread as well

[Brendan@bwalkauto]

My friend has an E90 325, and while I've made fun of it for years now, this just gives me more ammo.

Great read!

[peoples_car]

holy sh*t that was funny

looking forward for the rebuttal once OP returns from another jump start

[Saintor]

Dear BMW:

You are retards.

Is the weight balance of my slushbox car so critical to warrant placing the battery in the trunk? Because I was pretty damn pissed today when i realized that I could not open the electrically operated trunk release today with the battery dead.

Talking about retards, why in the hell didn't you just use the key to open the trunk?

[J-Tim]

I sent my sister out in it and told her to take it for a long drive to let it charge. specifically telling her to drive it a while and not turn it off. I just got the call from her a minute ago. of course she drove it for 5 minutes, and turned it off.

****ing classic!!!

[fahrfrumlosin]

Sounds like me attempting to charge the battery in my mom's Smart, battery in the passenger footwell, underneath 5" of carpet, sound deadening and finally....STYROFOAM! Shaped very awkwardly to mold around the battery tray and tucked somewhat at the corners below the dash.

It also has a shift lock that is not key-bypassable, needs juice from battery to unlock the shifter.

You should submit your story to Satch @ Roundel.

[VarianceVQ]

Sounds like me attempting to jump my mom's Smart, battery in the passenger footwell, underneath 5" of carpet, foam and finally....STYROFOAM!

It also has a shift lock that is not key-bypassable, needs juice from battery to unlock the shifter.

As if any more proof was needed that Smart is the most ironically-named car brand in world.

[BrianC]

Talking about retards, why in the hell didn't you just use the key to open the trunk?

He did...

My impromptu transmission line was enough to open the trunk however, which I might add cannot be opened with its key. the key will unlock the trunk, but does not pop the solenoid.

[1320-20V]

Talking about retards, why in the hell didn't you just use the key to open the trunk?

Dear Saintor:

There I was. Just me and the prey. I was waiting for just the right moment. It was if I was a lion crouched down motionlessly in the Serengeti. Hot saliva dripped from my mouth as i crouched motionless like a statue, stalking my prey. The tiny antelope grazed peacefully unaware of the grim circumstances of the all too near future. I was the apex predator, and the tiny antelope was enjoying the sweet succulent taste that embodies its last meal of wild grass. The hot breeze blew over my tensioned body. Now was the time.

I should strike now. Like a Ninja I withdrew my roundel emblazoned dagger from its futuristic and redundant sheath. In an instant the supernova-like sun gleaned off the tiny instrument of death. I had been made. I unleashed all of my muscles in one smooth thrust of deadly fury. I buried the dagger deep leaving no room for error. Like the last gasping breaths of the antelope as i suffocated it with my powerful jaws. I tasted the life slip out of the trunk lid as I drove the little dagger home.

Yet the animal would not die. I grasped hold of my killing weapon thrashing vigorously left and right. The sun shone down on me as the only witness to my valiant efforts to slay the mighty-yet tiny baby antelope. Then it happened. Like a swift hoof to the face I knew i was defeated. All my stalking, and hunting had been for naught. The key struck deep but there were no internal organs. It unlocks the trunk alright, but in no way pops the solenoid to open it. It is purely electric with no mechanical backup.

I felt the tension of the herd in the air. The distant thunder of a thousand hooves closing in on me. I was defeated. My only hope of survival was to escape. My pride broken, I watched at the tiny antelope scampered away. I too ran, back to the safety of my air conditioned den. I needed to restore my energy. I may have lost the battle today, but the war was far from over.

[1SICKLEX]

I am lmfao here..

The allspark!! lol

Apparently the disco that is initiated upon space docking the five times larger than a normal key-keyless "key" had exhausted the allspark in the trunk. You know the trunk that was locked, protecting the allspark as if it was royalty.

[BRealistic]

I sent my sister out in it and told her to take it for a long drive to let it charge. specifically telling her to drive it a while and not turn it off. I just got the call from her a minute ago. of course she drove it for 5 minutes, and turned it off.

I saw that coming.

Thanks for posting.
That was a good laugh.

[blackvw0484]

I am lmfao here..

X2 This is a fantastic thread... waiting to see what else can become of this

[BRealistic]

X2 This is a fantastic thread... waiting to see what else can become of this

If I was more eloquent with text, I could have written a good yarn about the RX8's tiny battery and starter, and how it takes 30 minutes to unflood one-> all with that tiny battery and starter!

[Saintor]

Funny.

With texts like this, not surprised that one can be misleaded.

The key struck deep but there were no internal organs. It unlocks the trunk alright, but in no way pops the solenoid to open it. It is purely electric with no mechanical backup.

I doubt this. I had to jump start my E90 about 10x times in its first 4 weeks and unless my memory doesn't serve me right or there was enough current, I was able to open it by key even if the battery was dead. However it was insanely *hard*. I even thought that it was not working intermittently and even complained to my BMW dealer on March 04/2008 ... I have the work order in front of me. The written correction; "Checked with other 3 series for similar effort, all the same".

[epbrown]

Sounds like me attempting to charge the battery in my mom's Smart, battery in the passenger footwell, underneath 5" of carpet, sound deadening and finally....STYROFOAM! Shaped very awkwardly to mold around the battery tray and tucked somewhat at the corners below the dash.

I traded my Smart for a Pontiac Solstice GXP. To replace the battery on a Solstice, you have to remove a front fender! Y'all can siddown now.

[blackvw0484]

If I was more eloquent with text, I could have written a good yarn about the RX8's tiny battery and starter, and how it takes 30 minutes to unflood one-> all with that tiny battery and starter!

Please do! Hopefully its as entertaining as this

[Numbersix]

Love it.

Yet another reason an E90 won't be making it onto my must shop list...ever.

[dj_wawa]

"specifically telling her to drive it a while and not turn it off.. ..of course she drove it for 5 minutes, and turned it off."

[LhW]

"allspark."

Great reference!

Germans tend to over-engineer things. It is like they are still trying to build machines to outfox the allies and win WWII.

[J-Tim]

I traded my Smart for a Pontiac Solstice GXP. To replace the battery on a Solstice, you have to remove a front fender! Y'all can siddown now.

Hahaha and I thought replacing headlight bulbs on Megane was bad.

[BRealistic]

"allspark."

Great reference!

Germans tend to over-engineer things. It is like they are still trying to build machines to outfox the allies and win WWII.

Does BMW really stand for Enigma Machine?

[choochoo]

Could you have lowered the back seats and pull on the emergency, glow-in-the-dark, trunk release? That's assuming you have the optional folding back seats..... which is beyond me why it isn't a standard feature.... this car does have some design flaws/oversights.....
By the way, your rant was quite educational.

[WannaCorrado]

Could you have lowered the back seats and pull on the emergency, glow-in-the-dark, trunk release? That's assuming you have the optional folding back seats..... which is beyond me why it isn't a standard feature.... this car does have some design flaws/oversights.....
By the way, your rant was quite educational.

even if the car came with the split-fold seats, you can only fold them down via the trunk..

The Ski-pass through would provide just enough room to reach into the trunk for the fold-down levers, if you have long arms

[esrballa]