Paris Hilton might be a total whore, but I'd still give my left nut to science for a chance to plant my seed deep inside her.
Haynes Manual Translations
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start;
now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...
Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off, now use some good
pliers to dig out the base...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing...
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to
botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground.
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep,
as I thought, it's broke!"
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want
Two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it explodes. One looks at the other
First Pepperpot: We'll have to watch the Telly-vision!
Second Pepperpot: Aaaaw. (sound of agreement)
(they turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)
Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh... mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh
First Pepperpot: What's that on top of the telly-vision set?
Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.
Second Pepperpot: It's been a long time there, now, has it?
First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?
Second Pepperpot: Standin'!
First Pepperpot: I can see that!
First Pepperpot: If it laid an egg, it would roll down the back of the telly-vision set.
Second Pepperpot: Ummmm. I hadn't thought of that.
First Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.
Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from next door.
Second Pepperpot: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!
First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!
(they both stop short, looking around)
Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say that?
First Pepperpot: I panicked.
Second Pepperpot: Oh.
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.
Second Pepperpot: Which zoo?
First Pepperpot: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo it's from?!? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!
Second Pepperpot: 'Oo's Doctor bloody Bernofsky?
First Pepperpot: He knows everything.
Second Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.
Second Pepperpot: Besides, if it were from the zoo, it'd have "property of the zoo" stamped on it.
First Pepperpot: They don't stamp animals "property of the zoo"!! You can't stamp a huge lion "property of the zoo"!!
Second Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.
First Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?
Second Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.
First Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.
Second Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!
(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)
Man: Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
(the penguin explodes)
First Pepperpot: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!
Salt Lake City was not discovered by Dracula and the shark people.
anyone know a good drycleaner in philly? i have a broken cv joint.