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    Thread: Seperation / Divorce

    1. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      04-19-2012 09:46 AM #211
      Quote Originally Posted by Egilbe View Post
      I'm sure it will be someone from her church that will worship the ground she walks on. They'll get her hooked up in no time and have her popping out kids left and right!
      If that is true , that would be freaking awesome !!!!

      The amount of work she is willing to put in should be replicated by person she is with , and I know that I am not interested nor capable of doing that . And that's what hurts the most out of anything else. It almost feels like you failed them.

      The saddest part she will never see that .

    2. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      04-29-2012 11:29 PM #212
      1 week down .

      Onto week 2

    3. Member titleist1976's Avatar
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      04-30-2012 12:10 AM #213
      What the hell are you talking about?

    4. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      04-30-2012 10:30 AM #214
      Quote Originally Posted by titleist1976 View Post
      What the hell are you talking about?
      I left for the second time last monday

    5. Member vwtuner4ever's Avatar
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      05-10-2012 02:26 PM #215
      Got separated two weeks ago.

      The day she got pregnant (which is in October 2010) is basically the last day she was willing to have ''physical interaction'' let say. Then she started to come up with more and more excuses, starting with ''I have pain'', then evolving to trouble coming from her past. I've always been very comprehensive to her and patient. I cared a lot about her. Then one day, when my son was about 3 months old, she told me that she had no more feeling for me. I thought it was related to the difficulties of raising a young baby and that she might be depressive. We went to counselling for about 3 months. She also saw a psychiatrist. But even with all this, she didn't change. She didn't want me to hold her in my arms, she didn't want me to do any nices things for her. She didn't want to try bringing the love back. And one day she told me that she was going to leave.

      All these time to counselling I asked her if I did something wrong and if so that I want to work on it with her, but she never came up with anything. I know I have things to work on, I'm not perfect. I'm not a lazy guy and I helped her with the baby and in the house. But at one point the situation became extremely frustrating for me.

      I think the whole thing is insane. Her behaviour would be expected from a teenager, but not from a mother of a son who's less that 1 year old. I've been so patient all the way and got no reward. At least I'm a good dad and will be having my son half the time and get to keep the house. I'll give him my best. But the whole thing makes me wonder what really happened, cause to this day I don't know. I don't believe in the ''i lost feelings'' crap.

      The child was planned by the way and she loves him. I also know that she's not seeing someone else.

      I don't really buy the ''trouble from the past'' thing. She was abused once, but she hasn't been raped. She showed to be pretty ok before she turned into a cold blooded woman.

      I don't know if I'll ever put my feelings in the hands of someone else, because she really destroyed my dreams and broken my heart.

    6. Member vwtuner4ever's Avatar
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      05-10-2012 03:01 PM #216
      Forgot to say that during that last year I bought her the house and the car she wanted and helped her clear her financial debts completly...

    7. 05-10-2012 11:34 PM #217
      Been married for 17 months and I feel we're on the outskirts. I work all the time and go to sleep early, she works all the time and comes home late. She gets pissed when she comes home and I'm asleep. We never do anything together, she's either with her friends and I'm either with my friends, when we do happen to do something together its more for her. I'll go to her friends party but not vise versa. When we do see each other we constantly argue about the little dumb stuff. Frankly, I'm getting so sick and tired and stressed out I'm about to call it quits.

    8. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      05-15-2012 12:44 PM #218
      Quote Originally Posted by vwtuner4ever View Post
      Got separated two weeks ago.

      The day she got pregnant (which is in October 2010) is basically the last day she was willing to have ''physical interaction'' let say. Then she started to come up with more and more excuses, starting with ''I have pain'', then evolving to trouble coming from her past. I've always been very comprehensive to her and patient. I cared a lot about her. Then one day, when my son was about 3 months old, she told me that she had no more feeling for me. I thought it was related to the difficulties of raising a young baby and that she might be depressive. We went to counselling for about 3 months. She also saw a psychiatrist. But even with all this, she didn't change. She didn't want me to hold her in my arms, she didn't want me to do any nices things for her. She didn't want to try bringing the love back. And one day she told me that she was going to leave.

      All these time to counselling I asked her if I did something wrong and if so that I want to work on it with her, but she never came up with anything. I know I have things to work on, I'm not perfect. I'm not a lazy guy and I helped her with the baby and in the house. But at one point the situation became extremely frustrating for me.

      I think the whole thing is insane. Her behaviour would be expected from a teenager, but not from a mother of a son who's less that 1 year old. I've been so patient all the way and got no reward. At least I'm a good dad and will be having my son half the time and get to keep the house. I'll give him my best. But the whole thing makes me wonder what really happened, cause to this day I don't know. I don't believe in the ''i lost feelings'' crap.

      The child was planned by the way and she loves him. I also know that she's not seeing someone else.

      I don't really buy the ''trouble from the past'' thing. She was abused once, but she hasn't been raped. She showed to be pretty ok before she turned into a cold blooded woman.

      I don't know if I'll ever put my feelings in the hands of someone else, because she really destroyed my dreams and broken my heart.

      I does happen you just "loose that feeling" you just stop enjoying the other persons presences , regardless what the other person does they just annoy you . I will be honest being on this end does suck , you remember all the good times together you remember the feelings and the amazingness of the relationship and then ..... bam its gone , you don't know when or why it happens but it just does .

      Now that person goes from being the love of your life to someone thats just "there" and here always just there , they never leave they just "there"

      Trust me it sucks , I am going to loose someone I do care about as a friend but not as my wife or love or companion.

      Whats worse is trying to explain that to the other person with out completely crushing them.

    9. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      05-15-2012 01:06 PM #219
      Quote Originally Posted by vwtuner4ever View Post
      At least I'm a good dad and will be having my son half the time and get to keep the house. I'll give him my best.


      But the whole thing makes me wonder what really happened, cause to this day I don't know.
      If you haven't figured it out by now, you won't. If she's not interested in fixing what's wrong, or at least working on it, then it's best for the two of you to continue on parted paths.

      Good luck.

    10. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      05-15-2012 01:07 PM #220
      Quote Originally Posted by Orzel Bialy View Post
      Been married for 17 months and I feel we're on the outskirts. I work all the time and go to sleep early, she works all the time and comes home late. She gets pissed when she comes home and I'm asleep. We never do anything together, she's either with her friends and I'm either with my friends, when we do happen to do something together its more for her. I'll go to her friends party but not vise versa. When we do see each other we constantly argue about the little dumb stuff. Frankly, I'm getting so sick and tired and stressed out I'm about to call it quits.
      That really sucks, especially 17 months in.

      I'm curious, how long were you together and living together before being married?

    11. Senior Member dunhamjr's Avatar
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      05-15-2012 01:34 PM #221
      Quote Originally Posted by Orzel Bialy View Post
      Been married for 17 months and I feel we're on the outskirts. I work all the time and go to sleep early, she works all the time and comes home late. She gets pissed when she comes home and I'm asleep. We never do anything together, she's either with her friends and I'm either with my friends, when we do happen to do something together its more for her. I'll go to her friends party but not vise versa. When we do see each other we constantly argue about the little dumb stuff. Frankly, I'm getting so sick and tired and stressed out I'm about to call it quits.
      sorry to say but it sounds like you two should never have gotten married.

      its not like your social and work lives instantly became at odds with each other the second you got married.
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    12. 05-15-2012 07:55 PM #222
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      That really sucks, especially 17 months in.

      I'm curious, how long were you together and living together before being married?
      We dated for 2 years, lived together for one. We're gonna do the counseling/therapy thing and see if that helps.

    13. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      05-16-2012 12:55 PM #223
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post

      I'm curious, how long were you together and living together before being married?
      I am going to highjack this question .

      We both went from living at home to being married.
      We never lived together
      We never had sex before marriage
      I never really dated anyone ( I was 20 and in a cult)

      They should make it illegal to get married before age of 25 .

    14. Member vwtuner4ever's Avatar
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      05-16-2012 01:25 PM #224
      Quote Originally Posted by Chilledman View Post
      I does happen you just "loose that feeling" you just stop enjoying the other persons presences , regardless what the other person does they just annoy you
      True. However she has done that to a couple guys before me (I learned that toward the end..). Also to simply lose the feelings months after giving birth, if find it weird at best. I think she's got issues.

      Anyway, I'll survive.

    15. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      05-16-2012 01:43 PM #225
      Quote Originally Posted by Chilledman View Post
      They should make it illegal to get married before age of 25 .
      I've been with my wife for 20 years next month. Married at 24.
      I disagree with you.

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      05-16-2012 02:29 PM #226
      I will say it again as I've said many times that marriage license should be like a driver's license. It should come with an expiration date.

      In most cases, couples should renew it and their vows towards each other. In other cases, it serves as a good way to create mutual separation if there's no more commitment or amicable resolution in the relationship.

    17. 05-16-2012 03:05 PM #227
      Quote Originally Posted by Orzel Bialy View Post
      Been married for 17 months and I feel we're on the outskirts. I work all the time and go to sleep early, she works all the time and comes home late. She gets pissed when she comes home and I'm asleep. We never do anything together, she's either with her friends and I'm either with my friends, when we do happen to do something together its more for her. I'll go to her friends party but not vise versa. When we do see each other we constantly argue about the little dumb stuff. Frankly, I'm getting so sick and tired and stressed out I'm about to call it quits.
      I'm going to sound like an ******* here (mainly because it's what I do best), but how about you both stop acting like you're married to your jobs and start acting like you're married to each other?

    18. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      05-17-2012 09:31 AM #228
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      I've been with my wife for 20 years next month. Married at 24.
      I disagree with you.
      Statistics would disagree with you

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      05-17-2012 10:26 AM #229
      Quote Originally Posted by Chilledman View Post

      They should make it illegal to get married before age of 25 .
      I think 25 should be the absolute minimum. I have yet to meet a person that was really ready mentally for what was to come before they were in their late 20s. They say you do a complete change every 5 years, but I think one of the biggest is from 25-30. There is just so much living to do and you really miss a lot being married so young. People that were married would try to disagree, but they don't realize it because they never experienced it.

      There are times when I think how it would be to be by myself because my wife can drive me bat ****e crazy with her anxiety/planning/needing to be doing something mentality. But those are not all the time and kids will change everything. I would do anything in my power to never change the environment for my kids and to make life hard for them because of mom and dad.

    20. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      05-17-2012 10:38 AM #230
      Quote Originally Posted by Chilledman View Post
      Statistics would disagree with you
      They disagree that I've been married since I was 24. Curious.

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      05-17-2012 10:40 AM #231
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post
      I would do anything in my power to never change the environment for my kids and to make life hard for them because of mom and dad.
      Well said.

      My best friend from high school got the "We're getting divorced." speech from his parents..the day after he graduated high school. While he was devastated, they did a good thing.

      He was the last kid to leave the house.

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      05-17-2012 10:53 AM #232
      I know some people would disagree, but I think that once kids are in the picture, you are responsible to make things work until it is no longer a healthy environment. Stop thinking about yourself and realize the impact that your actions are having. I don't care how hard it can be, it isn't about you anymore.

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      05-17-2012 12:01 PM #233
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      They disagree that I've been married since I was 24. Curious.
      My parents got married when my mom was 18 and my dad was 21 (would have gotten married sooner but my mom's parents wouldn't give her permission when she was under 18). They are still together...30 year anniversary next month.

      And I've been with my husband for 10 years this summer...married for almost 2 of those (anniversary next week). Got together at 15, married at 23. Still pretty dang happy.
      Quote Originally Posted by TM87 View Post
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      05-17-2012 12:05 PM #234
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post
      I know some people would disagree, but I think that once kids are in the picture, you are responsible to make things work until it is no longer a healthy environment. Stop thinking about yourself and realize the impact that your actions are having. I don't care how hard it can be, it isn't about you anymore.
      But you also need to be honest when its not a healthy environment anymore. Its better for the kids in the long run if the parents get a divorce rather than live in a poor home environment.

      Heck, a good friend of mine and her brother begged their parents to get a divorce. They were doing a "stay together for the kids" thing and it just wasn't working. While it was tough, it was all better for everyone in the end.

      Really, I'm all about honesty. If you are putting on a front for your kids, that's not healthy. Things got bad between my parents for a bit, and as hard as it was for me, I'm glad I knew. I wouldn't want them to fake it for me. I want them to be happy and if them not being together is what makes them happy then so be it. Luckily for me, they really work at their marriage and stuck together through the bad times.
      Quote Originally Posted by TM87 View Post
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      05-17-2012 02:19 PM #235
      So you agree with what I said, you just preferred to write it a lot longer.

    26. 05-17-2012 04:53 PM #236
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post
      I know some people would disagree, but I think that once kids are in the picture, you are responsible to make things work until it is no longer a healthy environment. Stop thinking about yourself and realize the impact that your actions are having. I don't care how hard it can be, it isn't about you anymore.
      I certainly agree with those that said a bad marriage is worse than a good divorce, I just think most marriages go bad over stupid ish. If you've got kids, you can suck it up and deal with snoring/dirty dishes/uncut lawn/lack of sezzy time/whatever. My experience has been that most let little pet peeves erode their feelings until they're just plain hostile to their spouse. If you've got kids, focus on the big stuff and make it work.

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      05-18-2012 12:57 PM #237
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post
      I think 25 should be the absolute minimum. I have yet to meet a person that was really ready mentally for what was to come before they were in their late 20s. They say you do a complete change every 5 years, but I think one of the biggest is from 25-30. There is just so much living to do and you really miss a lot being married so young. People that were married would try to disagree, but they don't realize it because they never experienced it.

      There are times when I think how it would be to be by myself because my wife can drive me bat ****e crazy with her anxiety/planning/needing to be doing something mentality. But those are not all the time and kids will change everything. I would do anything in my power to never change the environment for my kids and to make life hard for them because of mom and dad.
      Dont get me wrong my soon to be ex wife is cool as **** , I just cant stand being with her every day , day in day out .

      When you start to fantasize ways of killing them or hoping they die every day coming and going from work , or they die in an airplane crash while visiting her sister ....... well its time to move on.

      Not only that the sex sucks , she wants kids and I don't and the religion thing we both are going in two completely different directions in life.

      I hope she realizes it some day that this is for the better of the both of us .

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      05-18-2012 01:03 PM #238
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post
      I know some people would disagree, but I think that once kids are in the picture, you are responsible to make things work until it is no longer a healthy environment. Stop thinking about yourself and realize the impact that your actions are having. I don't care how hard it can be, it isn't about you anymore.
      I wish my ex had that mentality. people are so individualistic these days, they aren't willing to work at all to save their relationship. I truly believe that if both partners really want it and put thier hearts into it, they will succeed. However if one of the two has already given up, then it's a lost cause.

      As for the ''nobody should get married before 25'' comment, I'd say that the success stories from the previous generation don't apply anymore. Yes it ''could'' work, but it's unlikely since people only think about themself, instead of thinking about the big picture. And I know where Chilledman is coming from, I was in the same stupid cult and all the kids get married at 18. I'm sorry but at 18, your brain isn't even done developping, you don't even know who you are and who you want to be. At 25 you understand things a lot better and have enough experience to make a decent choice... but it could still lead to an epic failure.

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      05-18-2012 01:20 PM #239
      Quote Originally Posted by Chilledman View Post
      Not only that the sex sucks , she wants kids and I don't and the religion thing we both are going in two completely different directions in life.
      .
      I just want to bring my own experience to you. I always told myself that, one day, I'll have children. But the whole idea freaked me out. I remember hating babies. I wanted these damn babies to shut up. I saw in them a big pile of diapers and responsibilities. I thought they were there to ruin lifes... Every months, when my ex (s) had their period, it was a moment of big relief for me, knowing that I'm still ''free''. When she told me she was pregnant, even though I didn't prevent it from happening, I freaked out, cause that ish was real. Took me about 2 months to get used to the idea.

      But you know what? Once you realize that this little monster is a part of you, when you feel him move and kick for the first time, when you see his little heart beating like crazy on the screen, when you see him for the first time.. all I can say is that's the best thing a man can experience in his life. I love my son like nothing else on this planet and would do everything for him. I still have a life, I go hiking still and still have my mecanical and photo hobbies. Plus all the chicks come and talk to me when I take a walk. He's a lot more than I ever thought to be true, and I feel that I have a real reason to live, no matter how bad my life is. He needs me and I'll be there for him.

      The hard stuff like him waking up at night doesn't last that long and you get used to it fast. The diapers are not a big deal really. And it's not that expensive.

      This is possible that it's indeed not for you. But I'm telling ya, you'd discover new strenght and more things about yourself in 6 months than what you could discover during your whole life otherwise.

    30. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      05-21-2012 03:22 PM #240
      The kid thing is one of many reasons I want the hell out .

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      05-23-2012 05:19 AM #241
      Quote Originally Posted by vwtuner4ever View Post
      Got separated two weeks ago...

      ...All these time to counselling I asked her if I did something wrong and if so that I want to work on it with her, but she never came up with anything...

      ...The child was planned by the way and she loves him. I also know that she's not seeing someone else...

      ...I don't know if I'll ever put my feelings in the hands of someone else, because she really destroyed my dreams and broken my heart.
      Quote Originally Posted by vwtuner4ever View Post
      Forgot to say that during that last year I bought her the house and the car she wanted...
      Just the highlights. My heart fills with rage and sadness seeing this. The only difference between your situation and mine is that my ex wife wouldn't agree to counselling. It's been a while now and it still hurts me like crazy tbh. I handled it the first break-up with rum and cola. The last time with a psychiatrist. I really hope you've progressed beyond me. Seriously, I'd wish this on no one...

      Quote Originally Posted by Orzel Bialy View Post
      ...I'm getting so sick and tired and stressed out I'm about to call it quits.
      Don't. Not yet. If at all possible, find another job (in this economy, easier said than done...) Work to make it work. This means compromise, BUT within your means. That means her too, but consider this: together you gotta make 100%. It doesn't matter who's making 75 and who's making 25 if you want a marriage to work. Wait until you absolutely know for absolutely sure the final line has been crossed before you even begin to kinda think you could possibly maybe not work. Go forward and I hope you've found help. If you have, LISTEN!

      To this day she says, "we just weren't getting along," but I recall almost every fight we had until the end: little things she provoked just to get me fired up and call me out when I'd get angry. But I can't help but wonder if I'd put my family before my career from the beginning, would this be an issue? ...

      Still hurts.
      Last edited by TheMel; 05-23-2012 at 05:28 AM.
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    32. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      05-25-2012 10:04 AM #242
      Trust me on this you can and will find someone better

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      06-12-2012 12:50 AM #243
      I think a marriage is more fragile than a normal relationship. Say something wrong at the wrong time can easily escalate to something a lot more than one can imagine. I think one of the problem is that people feel trapped. My wife is a stay at home mom and has to handle 3 kids and thing can get really rough for her. The best thing I can offer her is to send her out with girlfriends and enjoy herself without the girls and myself and things get better so quickly for our relationship.

      For other couples I think the best thing to do some times is time away from each other to reflect on things. Arguments flare up because everyone is stressed out with the routines. I'm not an expert on relationships but I've been married for 11 years and been through the ups and downs.

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      06-12-2012 11:03 AM #244
      I think that you have a poor marriage that either needs some help or possibly should not be married if it is more fragile than another relationship. There tends to be a lot more in a marriage than in other relationships- kids, bills, personal responsibilities, chores, etc. It takes a lot to get through these things and it causes stress on individuals and that can translate into the relationship. Not everyone copes or deals the same way and it can be hard to take a step back and see that when you are married.

      The fact that you can send your wife off with her friends (as I often do), to clear her head and everything is good again, indicates that it is more healthy than fragile. Fragile relationships don't know how to address situations in that manner and a simple night out doesn't make things better.

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      06-12-2012 04:10 PM #245
      Nothing frail or fragile about my marriage.

      We communicate real-time and nothing builds up for later arguments.

      That, and I know how to make her toes curl.

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