How do you deal with kids lying?

[GoLowDrew]

After school. My 7 year old wanted a cookie that his younger brother got. He told Bro, that he didn't eat lunch, and how mom forgot to pack his lunch. Ok, so what did you eat? School lunch. Wait....we didn't give you money. Oh....the teacher let me go and said it was ok.

Could be true, we do know the teacher well for years. Ok, so he got half of the cookie.

I later check his lunch bag, and I can see mom did not forget lunch. I asked him about it, and he tried to explain that someone else ate it. They were playing a game (look away) and another kid ate his lunch. He told the teacher he was still hungry, so the teacher let him eat school lunch. That's not nice, what was the kid's name???? I don't know, he is new.

I asked him if he was lying? He said no. I can tell he was. I just let it go and "believe" him.

Summary. He wanted Bro's cookie. Told a lie. When confronted, had to make one up.

Ok, I know it's just a cookie, and that was the reason behind it. No harm. Point is, and question:

He is now smart enough to make up stories.

How should I deal with this kind of "lie?"

I just fear that their intelligence will lead to something bigger, and matter more than a cookie.

[VdubChaos]

Catch them on a lie, explain how you came to that conclusion and explain/teach them not to do it. Tell them the consequences of lying and feel free to apply your discipline techniques as well.

[BlckBadged_SwissChee]

There has to be benefit in telling the truth, this is true for all of society at any age. There also has to be lessons of integrity involved. "It makes you a better person to be honest". My daughter is punished if she lies (no cartoons, time out in her room, loss of being able to do something fun, etc...). If she tells the truth we discuss why what she did was wrong and that it better not happen again (or punishment comes).

It is a similar mindset James Harrison has..."if I am going to be fined for a dirty hit, I am going to make it worth my money" If something wrong is done and the punishment for coming clean is the same as getting caught in a lie...why wouldn't you tell a lie to potentially get out of it, even if the success rate is low.

[Papa Dras]

That is a good approach and one that we have started using now that my daughter is 4 and knows full well how to manipulate and tell a story. She knows that lying isn't tolerated and that we will find out (at least she thinks that), so better to tell the truth and understand there is a consequence if she doesn't. The new line when we ask her about something she did or said is- "promise you won't get mad?" We tell her that we can't promise that, but that if she tells the truth, we can talk about it.

[MeineFolks'wagen]

I've got two - 5 and 7. The 7 year old is better at telling the truth than the 5 year old, but the 5 year old is catching up. I've beaten it into their heads since they could form conscious thoughts to tell the truth. Their reward for telling the truth is essentially that I won't get mad at them - so, tell me the truth and I won't get mad and you don't get punished. I find out your lying, I get mad and you get punished. It's been working fine so far and it's getting to the point that they won't even try anymore - they just come out and say "dad, I did (whatever)". Even if it torques me off, I suck it up and say "thank you for telling the truth" and let it go. If it's bad enough that they really should still be punished, I just sit them down and talk it out with them why it was wrong, etc.

[titleist1976]

We started with "thank you for telling the truth" and still sent them to timeout. We did this at a young age. The 5 year old doesn't try lying much anymore. The 3 year old is still trying to figure it out. If she comes up with the truth quickly, we don't send her to time out anymore. If we have to prod it out of her, she goes. She's getting the point now.

[VegasJetta]

My friend that lives with us has a 6 year old daughter. She taught her not to lie, that it makes god cry or something. She got caught in a similar (lunch at school) lie, and got soap in her mouth. Soap washes the lies away. She learned a hard lesson that day, and I got to laugh at this poor little liar crying as she choked on a bar of irish spring.

[petesell]

people still put soap in their child's mouth

that **** is all petrochemicals.

imo - you're much better speaking to your kids about these sort of things. it's usually good when both parents are involved to install a sense of urgency to the topic. if a kid gets caught doing something 'bad' & lies about it, let him know he's being punished for lying. if the kid does something 'bad', but tells the truth, be lenient in your punishment to reinforce the truthtelling. kids need to understand that the consequences for lying about the act will always be worse than the act itself.

once they're older, you can explain how this doesn't apply with the police

[trbochrg]

[DTMTrini]

Catch them on a lie, explain how you came to that conclusion and explain/teach them not to do it. Tell them the consequences of lying and feel free to apply your discipline techniques as well.

Catch them on the lie, psyke them out because they will deny, administer the Trinidadian discipline, explain why it had to happen (said discipline).

[You are to blame]

My babies are still 6 months so i don't have any personal input but I remember that my parents put the fear of god in me even though they weren't practicing Catholics and made me swear to god all the time. I always caved in until I got older and realized what was going on

[HuDuVuDu]

The first thing that popped into my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJhYRiwV-7c

Everything I see or hear about this Mom I want to fill her mouth with some Ghost Pepper hot sauce and see how she likes it.

I would never do that to my child.

[peplsuk]

My friend that lives with us has a 6 year old daughter. She taught her not to lie, that it makes god cry or something. She got caught in a similar (lunch at school) lie, and got soap in her mouth. Soap washes the lies away. She learned a hard lesson that day, and I got to laugh at this poor little liar crying as she choked on a bar of irish spring.

yep wash the lies out!!! my twins started covering there face with there hands... I now get there hands nice and soapy first.

[smittyATL]

5 year old was supposed to be in bed last night but snuck out to watch TV while I was in the garden and wife was feeding the baby.

I wore that butt out and then made her explain why she got it wore out while she was sniveling.

[Chilledman]

5 year old was supposed to be in bed last night but snuck out to watch TV while I was in the garden and wife was feeding the baby.

I wore that butt out and then made her explain why she got it wore out while she was sniveling.

Brazzers ....

[VegasJetta]

And we recently caught the 6 year old lying again. She didn't want to eat the ONE PIECE of broccoli on her plate, so she sat there while we went off visiting the new neighbors on a beautiful day. 15 minutes later she comes over and says she finished. We go to clean up and notice a piece of broccoli on my 2 year old sons plate (after we watched him clear his plate). She looked at us as we found it and said 'I SWEAR I ATE ALL MINE!'.

Right to the bathroom with the Irish Spring, petrochemicals and all.

[foxtrot762]

Make him watch this video 20 times for every lie he tells. Once would be enough to keep me from lying anymore.

[Vision33r]

I think lying is just a way humans develop for survival. I think there are ways to change that without discipline. The key is to change your expectations so your child does not feel threaten when they are caught doing something they know you don't like.

Kids have no idea what is right or wrong so it's a good idea to show them examples why what they were doing may have unintended consequences.

We all want our kids to be honest but we should want our kids to be completely understanding consequences.

[DonL]

Wait til they get older. I had an instructor and several other guys in our Interviewing and Interrogation swear by the Reid 9 Step Method for getting the truth out of their kids. I slung it on a niece a while back who was giving my sister problems. She eventually broke like a stale pretzel rod.

[Captain_Volkswagen]

This guy seems to have a calm, cool and collected method in place . http://www.theblaze.com/stories/extr...ter-with-belt/

Anyways, I think dishonesty is a huge problem with society today. I find all kinds of adults who lie, or tell half truths in an effort to get a leg up. What kind of lessons are you teaching your kids? Show your kids an honest and open dialogue at home and have a zero tolerance for lying policy. Perhaps writing down suspicious stories as they come to air and confronting the kid a few hours later might be a good tactic; keeps them on their toes.

[kar_nut]

There has to be benefit in telling the truth, this is true for all of society at any age. There also has to be lessons of integrity involved. "It makes you a better person to be honest". My daughter is punished if she lies (no cartoons, time out in her room, loss of being able to do something fun, etc...). If she tells the truth we discuss why what she did was wrong and that it better not happen again (or punishment comes).

Pretty much this for us. My daughter knows that lying will get her the worst punishment of anything else she could do wrong. Telling the truth will net her a discussion about what she did wrong and maybe a small punishment.

She went through a brief period of trying out lying. We responded with a loss of most fun things and more importantly, telling her we could no longer trust her. Having us double check everything she told us got pretty old for her and she decided her credibility was worth more than escaping a possible punishment.

[Hurt]

[marknuck311]

I've told my daughters I won't get mad at them for telling the truth (I might be a little upset, depends on what they're telling me) - but I would never get mad at them for telling the truth.

It's hard, though, because these are young daughters (11, 9, 7) from a first marriage, and they feel the need to lie to cover up what's going on when they're with their mom - I hate it (not that I'm trying to be nosy about what they do with their mom, I'm just curious to what they're doing in general ie. catching up with them), but I don't push the issue anymore.

Now, my 10 yr old step-daughter: different story. She is constantly 'embellishing' her stories - takes 10% of the truth, and fills in the rest - drives me nuts, but not much I can say about that.

[Hurt]

Whack.

[Vision33r]

I've told my daughters I won't get mad at them for telling the truth (I might be a little upset, depends on what they're telling me) - but I would never get mad at them for telling the truth.

It's hard, though, because these are young daughters (11, 9, 7) from a first marriage, and they feel the need to lie to cover up what's going on when they're with their mom - I hate it (not that I'm trying to be nosy about what they do with their mom, I'm just curious to what they're doing in general ie. catching up with them), but I don't push the issue anymore.

Now, my 10 yr old step-daughter: different story. She is constantly 'embellishing' her stories - takes 10% of the truth, and fills in the rest - drives me nuts, but not much I can say about that.

That's exactly our approach it is just like George Washington's story. I prefer my kids to tell me they did something wrong instead of lying to me to cover things up. I won't get mad when they spilled something if they tell me who did it. But I get more upset when my kids make up a lie.

Then they do something wrong we can talk and explain without pressuring them.

[firefighterjunkie]

I've told my daughters I won't get mad at them for telling the truth (I might be a little upset, depends on what they're telling me) - but I would never get mad at them for telling the truth.

It's hard, though, because these are young daughters (11, 9, 7) from a first marriage, and they feel the need to lie to cover up what's going on when they're with their mom - I hate it (not that I'm trying to be nosy about what they do with their mom, I'm just curious to what they're doing in general ie. catching up with them), but I don't push the issue anymore.

Now, my 10 yr old step-daughter: different story. She is constantly 'embellishing' her stories - takes 10% of the truth, and fills in the rest - drives me nuts, but not much I can say about that.

My husband and I are kind of dealing with the same thing with his 7 year old son (my step son). Rather than lie right now, he just pretends he can't remember anything. I mean, you try to ask him anything about his life (to try to see what he does on a daily basis, how he likes school, what he does for fun, etc) and his answer is almost always "I don't remember." I'm sure mom is telling him not to say stuff to us. Kind of sad.

[titleist1976]

FFJ, I just got into it with my first grader about those same questions/answers. My wife, who's a teacher, said one of her co-workers had a pretty good explanation for that type of answer. Basically, they just got done with a full day of school and don't want to talk about it. It's like asking an adult how their day was as they walk in the door.

I'm not saying this is a one size fits all answer, but it made sense.

[Papa Dras]

Agree titleist. My wife loves to bombard our 4 1/2 yo after school with questions and she always replies "I don't know". I try to explain to my wife that even though she is 4 1/2, everyone needs to unwind for a bit.

[firefighterjunkie]

Interesting info, thanks.

Granted, I'm asking my SS on the weekend (saturday or sunday, since those are the only days we ever see him), but I guess he still may not want to rehash it. He is very different than I ever was as a child, so it's hard for me to know what's "normal". I used to fight with my mom over whose turn it was to talk...I don't shut up.

[titleist1976]

I don't remember too many Chatty Cathy seven year old boys.