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    Thread: Hope this doesn't sound Sexist...

    1. Member thebigtuna21's Avatar
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      03-08-2012 12:28 PM #1
      My wife and I agreed that it would be best for the family if she was a stay at home mom. We also had an agreement that she would take care of most of the household chores (dishes, laundry, cleaning stuff). At first this worked out well, then she slowed down due to being tired from our son, I told her I'd gladly help her. Now it seems shes stopped doing anything all day other than watching the baby. I feel taken advantage of and don't know what to do. I tried talking to her about it and she says she will do more to help, but still hasn't done her half. I love the fact that we are able to do this, but I don't like being walked all over. Anyone have advice?

    2. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      03-08-2012 12:53 PM #2
      Quote Originally Posted by thebigtuna21 View Post
      I feel taken advantage of and don't know what to do. I tried talking to her about it and she says she will do more to help, but still hasn't done her half. I love the fact that we are able to do this, but I don't like being walked all over. Anyone have advice?
      Good luck. When my wife was laid-off for two years, I swear she did less work around the house than she does now. It caused a blow up...or two...from me.

      I stayed at home with our son during the day and then went off to work on 2nd shift, for over 5 years. During that time our house was cleaner than it's ever been. Though a messing/unclean house makes me uncomfortable, it doesn't bother her as much.

      Advice: It needs to be brought up...but tread lightly. You're going to get the "It's harder than you think to stay home all day with a kid" reaction. There is something to that, but the real issue is what has changed in her for her to stop doing this work.

    3. Member thebigtuna21's Avatar
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      03-08-2012 01:07 PM #3
      Yeah that's the only reaction she ever gives me. "I don't know what it's like all day alone with a baby!" The fact of the matter is that I have. She just started working 8 hours every 2 weeks as a dietary aid. When she's at work for that one day I am with the baby and get everything done that needs done. I just get so annoyed with a dirty apartment. I'll try laying the topic down in a lighter way next time. Thanks for the advice.

    4. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      03-08-2012 01:11 PM #4
      Quote Originally Posted by thebigtuna21 View Post
      Yeah that's the only reaction she ever gives me. "I don't know what it's like all day alone with a baby!" The fact of the matter is that I have. She just started working 8 hours every 2 weeks as a dietary aid. When she's at work for that one day I am with the baby and get everything done that needs done. I just get so annoyed with a dirty apartment. I'll try laying the topic down in a lighter way next time. Thanks for the advice.
      One of the things that's hard not to do as a stay at home parent, is sitting on the couch with the TV on. Just saying.

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      03-08-2012 01:16 PM #5
      My wife stays home with our two kids.

      She's not much of a cleaner so I got her a monthly house keeping service for Christmas. She's great about laundry, cooking, and beejays so I don't worry about cleaning.

      I grew up with a single mother and never envisioned this situation for myself.

      I like it!

    6. Member thebigtuna21's Avatar
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      03-08-2012 01:21 PM #6
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      One of the things that's hard not to do as a stay at home parent, is sitting on the couch with the TV on. Just saying.
      I agree 100% Maybe I should shut the cable off

    7. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      03-08-2012 01:39 PM #7
      Quote Originally Posted by thebigtuna21 View Post
      I agree 100% Maybe I should shut the cable off
      LOL!

      Good luck.

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      03-08-2012 03:00 PM #8
      Ease into it OP

      Don't be rude about it and don't expect ANYTHING.

      Remember, stay at home parenting is a VERY hard job mentally and physically. It takes a very strong individual to do ALL of it.

      It's good that you are willing to help.

      If it continues just recognize the fact that it's not working and it's time to get a job and for her to work to pay for daycare.

      Give that about a month or 2 before she goes back to "stay at home mom" and doing her part of the deal.

      If she tries to pull the "too busy to do..." card, don't believe her and find out what the hell she does all day. My wife raised 4 kids as a stay at home mom and somehow she always managed to clean/cook etc.

      But I do have to say my wife is amazing. It really takes a special person IMO.
      Last edited by VdubChaos; 03-08-2012 at 03:02 PM.

    9. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      03-08-2012 03:23 PM #9
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      You're going to get the "It's harder than you think to stay home all day with a kid" reaction.


      Quote Originally Posted by VdubChaos View Post
      Remember, stay at home parenting is a VERY hard job mentally and physically. It takes a very strong individual to do ALL of it.

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      03-10-2012 08:36 AM #10
      I go through this with my wife and probably scream at her at least twice a month about it. She's been a stay at home mom for close to 6 years now and the biggest problem is that she doesn't keep the place clean. There was a time when she wouldn't even cook, but she's gotten better about that (after I don't know how many "You know, I've been at work for the last 12 hours and the least you could do is have dinner ready when I get home so that I don't have to cook" lectures). She's gotten better about dishes and laundry too, but she's still lacking in other areas. And the online social media BS is killing me, that's what she spends the bulk of her time doing during the day, drives me nuts

      And I'm sorry, I stayed home with the kids on my days off too (used to have a four day off cycle) and it is not that freaking hard. Newborns sleep most of the damned time and when they aren't they are easy to keep occupied (at least my two kids were, if that's not the way it "normally" is for most people, I lucked out ). Change the occasional diaper, feed them, repeat - it is NOT that big of a deal. People make it sound like you are being run ragged nonstop for 24 hours at a time and that simply is not the case (again, maybe I just had two REALLY good kids). As they get older it's even easier. They are both in school now. All she has to do is get up, feed them and get them to school which is three blocks away. After that, she's got close to 7 hours with absolutely nothing to do. I've told her to spend like 20 minutes or so a day on areas of the house and it wouldn't be an issue. There are days that I come home after being gone for 12 hours, find nothing done in the house, and in less than hour I've cooked, cleaned the kitchen, put on laundry, picked up toys from around the house, etc. (all while I'm screaming at her mind you).

      It's not sexist - when a couple comes to this mutual agreement, the woman (assuming it's the woman who opts to stay home) has to understand that that becomes her JOB. I work to make money, you get to stay home and WORK to take care of the kids and house. It's the way it's been done since day one in history and it's nothing new. Where it goes bad is like what has happened to me, the OP, and others - when the stay at home mom becomes lazy, burned out, or whatever, the system breaks down. But as I said, the stay at home parent needs to understand that by staying home, they are taking on those responsibilities and that becomes their job. I'm not saying the other parent can't help out, that's a necessity. But the other parent should not be expected to work their regular job and then come home and have to do everything else (single parents are a different story obviously). I just think people make this way more difficult than it needs to be.

    11. 03-10-2012 12:03 PM #11
      You could try to work from home sometimes and see what she does all day. Is your son really all that demanding. Are there other issues causing this lack of housework motivation?

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      03-10-2012 04:26 PM #12
      I don't think it's sexist at all- I think your wife is out of line. A household requires that things get done and someone has to do it. However that is decided doesn't matter, but if there is an agreement and it isn't upheld by one of the family members, then something isn't going to get done. You need to talk to her and set things straight.

      My wife works 30-35 hours a week and still does all the laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, and spends the rest of the time with the kids. I work about 55-60 hours a week and still have my household responsibilities- because things have to get done. To simply not do something because we don't want to or can't allocate our time right, simply isn't an option.

    13. 03-11-2012 08:00 PM #13
      It's not sexist at all. If my wife made a ton of money and I could stay home with our daughter all the time I would damn sure do laundry and dishes and clean. It is exhausting chasing a kid around, but part of the deal in not bringing money into the household is doing the other things.

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      03-11-2012 10:02 PM #14
      I'm a SAHM...how old is the baby? I know it's definitely been an adjustment for me. Maybe she's still adjusting and getting into the swing of things, maybe she's depressed, etc. ? Does she LIKE and want to be a SAHM? Does she leave the house and do activities outside of the home (play dates, shopping, etc) or is she just moping around the house doing nothing?

      I'll probably get a negative response for saying this - but it's harder to keep the place clean while being home than it was when I worked outside of the home. I'm home all day long constantly using and dirtying things, in addition to having a baby who is always getting into things, dirtying things, making messes, etc. At least when I worked, the house could be clean when I left in the morning and it would still be clean when I got home 9 hours later (because nobody could mess it up). I am able do laundry and always have a pretty "nice" dinner ready for when my husband gets home, but I'm still learning to manage my time. I was up half the night last night with a teething baby, so my energy and motivation to do things is...lacking, to say the least. I find that I often start things and am interrupted, so it's a kind of stop and go process to do the most basic tasks. I start dinner preparations around lunch time in order to have dinner ready by ~5:30pm. It's getting easier as she gets older (she's 6 months), and I'm assuming that will continue.

      I'm not trying to defend the woman for not cooking or cleaning, if that's the agreement in your relationship. If she's just sitting around like a lump with the baby, she might have some postpartum depression or something.

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      03-12-2012 10:24 AM #15
      You have a great perspective, FFJ. My wife and I would agree 100% with you. When she has her days off and when I watch the kids on Saturdays, it is very hard to keep anything clean. All you are doing is cleaning and then moving to the next thing. If you are the type of person that can sit in the mess and then just clean at the end, that might be easier, but we aren't like that. Obviously, we have the 4 year old help clean and straighten her messes, but it just takes so damn long that if we always waited on that, we'd never get anything done.

    16. Member thebigtuna21's Avatar
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      03-12-2012 12:30 PM #16
      I agree with you FFJ, our son is 9 Months old. Last weekend, I was alone with the baby all day. As soon as I put the baby down for a nap, I made way to the kitchen and made it a mission to take 20 minutes to clean, do dishes sweep and mop. (We have a small apt.) I suggested this little schedule to her, she just blew me off about it and said it's not that easy. (Even though it was)

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      03-12-2012 01:00 PM #17
      oh man, you've got a problem on your hands. I don't think this is about not wanting to clean, it sounds like she is kind of checking out.

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      03-12-2012 01:03 PM #18
      Quote Originally Posted by thebigtuna21 View Post
      I agree with you FFJ, our son is 9 Months old. Last weekend, I was alone with the baby all day. As soon as I put the baby down for a nap, I made way to the kitchen and made it a mission to take 20 minutes to clean, do dishes sweep and mop. (We have a small apt.) I suggested this little schedule to her, she just blew me off about it and said it's not that easy. (Even though it was)
      You guys are young parents and I'm sure infant is quite a bit to handle.

      Issues like this will resolve themselves assuming she is willing to commit. Like I told you in the previous post, either she raises the kid and takes care of household or the baby goes to daycare and she works.

      There really aren't any other options.

    19. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      03-12-2012 01:19 PM #19
      Reason 9189 not to have kids .

      There total slobs

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      03-12-2012 01:23 PM #20
      rawr! fire bad!

    21. Member titleist1976's Avatar
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      03-12-2012 02:02 PM #21
      I'm glad I have a neat freak of a wife. It kills me sometimes, but it's better better than having a unpresentable house.

      Not sure what the OP can do about it. 9 month olds aren't bad yet, either. Wait until they are 2 years old and just running around and mucking everything up all day everyday.
      Last edited by titleist1976; 03-12-2012 at 04:23 PM.

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      03-12-2012 03:13 PM #22
      Quote Originally Posted by titleist1976 View Post
      I'm glad I have a neat freak of a wife. It kills me sometimes, but it's better better than having a presentable house.
      No doubt. I am always telling my wife to sit the F down because she is always doing something. It can drive me nuts, but it is nice to have a clean house and folded laundry.

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      03-13-2012 04:19 PM #23
      This reminds me of my wife's blog post on how to make soup in five hours.

      Normally, this is something that takes about 45 minutes from start to finish. An hour if I am distracted.

      Here is the timeline.

      Pull out an onion and some garlic. Chop it finely. Pull out a skillet. Put some olive oil in it.

      Baby cries and needs to be changed and fed. 45 minutes later.

      Turn on the flame under the skillet. Add the garlic and onions and saute until golden.

      Baby cries and needs to be changed and fed. She requires an outfit change.

      Turn off the flame.

      About an hour later, pull out the ground beef, rice, eggs, oregano. Add the sauteed veggies and mix well.

      Chop another onion and garlic. Saute them in a large pot.

      Baby has puked on herself. Outfit must be changed.

      Turn off the large pot.

      Forty five minutes later because baby wants to be eat and then diaper needed to be changed.

      Turn on the large pot and finish cooking down the onions. Go and find two cartons of chicken broth.

      Realize that you need to pick up kidlet from school.

      Turn off the flame, gather up the sleeping baby, load her into a car seat and go pick up kidlet.

      One hour later, (kidlet needed a snack, gas up the car and unload the kid and baby), turn the flame on the big pot and add the broth. Add a can of tomatoes.

      Baby has now puked again. It is in her hair. She requires a bath. Leave the pot on a low flame. Bathe the baby and put her in the third outfit for the day. After she is dressed, her diaper needs to be changed. While doing the diaper change, my shirt needs to be changed. Baby is upset about this and needs to be nursed again. Another hour passes.

      Drop the meat mixture into balls into the broth and cover. Let simmer for 30 minutes until the meatballs float.

      That is how to make soup in five hours.
      http://beefandchocolate.blogspot.com...ive-hours.html

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      03-13-2012 04:25 PM #24
      that is great. My wife will get a kick out of reading this.

    25. Member titleist1976's Avatar
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      03-13-2012 05:49 PM #25
      Quit pimpin' out your wife!

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      03-13-2012 06:38 PM #26
      i hate to say this, but she isnt holding up her end of the agreement.
      you pull your weight by earning AND helping her with chores. she needs to do the same.

      if you can do it on saturdays, why can she not do it as well.

      9 months should have been enough time to get in the groove. and since you said she was good at first and trailed off, she is suffering i am sure, more from burnout then inability to do things in the time allowed.

      maybe its time that she goes back to work.
      or maybe as someone said, she is depressed and needs more help than you can give.

      my wife and i have talked about this already.
      she is a teacher so she has tons of time off. and with my mom being the nanny during the infant years, its a 99.9% guarantee that my wife will continue to work.

      about the only way she won't work is if she has a medical reason that she cannot...

      the other option i gave her is if my salary went to $250k a year. which it won't, likely ever do, then she could stay home.
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      03-14-2012 12:24 AM #27
      Quote Originally Posted by smittyATL View Post
      This reminds me of my wife's blog post on how to make soup in five hours.


      http://beefandchocolate.blogspot.com...ive-hours.html
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    28. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      03-14-2012 06:54 AM #28
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post
      rawr! fire bad!
      LOL

    29. Member thebigtuna21's Avatar
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      03-14-2012 01:20 PM #29
      I had a nice talk with her about it last night, and I remained calm, I think I got through to her. We will see what happens.

    30. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      03-14-2012 05:34 PM #30
      Hope it works.

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