Jeremy Clarkson on the Hyundai Veloster: "An accountant in a clown suit".

[manol2]

I didn't se ethat posted anywhere:


http://www.topgear.com/uk/jeremy-cla...rch-2012-03-22




Clarkson on the Hyundai Veloster


James May claims that he knows when he is driving a car with character and panache because a fizzing sensation engulfs the root of his penis.

Unfortunately, because my groin is unmoved by inanimate objects, I have to rely on other means to determine whether a car has flair and zing and all the little things that somehow elevate it from something you need to something you want.

I don't know what these ‘means' are. I have not the vaguest clue how I know the Fiat Panda has character and the Toyota Avensis does not. There is not one single tangible reason why I love the Ferrari 458 Italia but only respect the McLaren MP4-12C. Both cars do the same thing and make the same noise, but one makes your heart sing and the other doesn't.

It's even more peculiar with the Range Rover Evoque and the Land Rover Freelander. Both come from the same people and are designed to do the same job, but one is a tool that will not stir James's tool into action. And one is a tool that will.

We see this not just with cars, but with other machines as well. Why, for instance, do I find the Boeing 777 boring, but get all bouncy when I note that I'm boarding a 747? They are both the same. But they are not. It's a similar story with telephones. Blackberrys cause me to fall into a deep sleep. iPhones don't. The list goes on. People will make a pointless journey in a train if it's being pulled by a steam locomotive. I will buy anything made by Bang & Olufsen.

And even though it's crap, I love the AK-47 so much that I'd rather fight for the Russian army than ours. Just so I could have one. I suppose it's the same with women. You meet thousands and thousands, and there are many whom you respect and like. Then one day, you meet a girl who has lungs and ears just like all the others, but you fall in love. Often, this will be accompanied by a fizzing sensation in the root of your penis.

All of this brings me neatly on to the Hyundai i40, which is a medium-sized saloon car from a giant Korean corporation. It was designed to match the Toyota Avensis and the Volkswagen Passat, and it does so in every way. Which means it's right up there with your dishwasher and your tumble dryer and your boiler as a household product that should - and hopefully will - give many years of faithful service.

Many people who are not interested in cars bought smaller Hyundais under Peter Mandelson's idiotic scrappage scheme, and I'm sure that - to a man and woman - they're all delighted with their new purchase. It's much easier to drive and much less likely to go wrong than the rusty bag of bolts they sent to the knacker's yard.I have no problem with any of this. I quite understand that many, many people see the car as a necessary evil. An expense they can do without. A white good. That's fine. I won't pour scorn on them any more than I would expect Jeremy Paxman to pour scorn on me for buying my trout from a supermarket rather than standing in freezing river water and catching one.
So, yes. If you are reading this in a dentist's waiting room, only because the woman opposite has Hello and the only alternative is a knitting magazine, then buy a Hyundai. Or wait a couple of years and buy a Geely Beauty Leopard, or a JAC J7 from the Chinese. Because it'll be just as reliable and even cheaper.

However, I can't see anyone buying Hyundai's newest car - the Veloster. Because, if you are not interested in cars, you will wonder why it has two doors on one side and only one on the other. And why it has scoops on the bonnet, and why it costs £17,995 when for two-thirds of that you can buy a Hyundai i10, which is easier to park and uses less fuel. And if you are interested in cars, you will hate it on a cellular level, because this is a car that's trying to be something it isn't - interesting.

The brochure talks about ‘sporty acceleration' and a ‘true racing driver experience', but that's like calling me slim and handsome. It's b*ll*cks. This is one of the dreariest cars I've ever driven.Dreary doesn't really matter in a hatchback or a saloon, but it emphatically does matter in a car like this.

We all know the Capri was a Cortina in a posh frock, but we put up with the humdrum underpinnings because it looked so good. We would even pay more. It was the same with the old Hyundai Coupe. That wasn't much cop to drive, but it looked a bit like a Ferrari, if you were far away and it was misty, and, because of that, it was fine.Then you have the Mitsubishi Evo. That looks terrible, but we'll pay the extra and put up with the yawnmatic styling because it's a hoot to drive, because it has character and flair and zing and all the other things that make James's penis quiver.

The Veloster does none of these things. The styling doesn't work at all. It's silly. And because of the split rear screen, you can't see what's behind you. Don't get me started on the doors, either. No, actually, do get me started. What were they thinking of? I realise that a child can't get out into the traffic, and that's nice, but when you're in a car park, or at home, having to shuffle over the seats to get out is a bloody nuisance.

You get the impression that if this car worked in an office, it would have a sign on its desk saying ‘You don't have to be mad to work here...' signifying to everyone that it is the most boring person in the building.

But it's the drive that's worse, because there is not a single thing that leaps out and holds your attention. The engine is an engine. The gearbox is a gearbox. The steering is electric, but not in a good way, and the touchscreen ‘media centre' mentioned in the brochure is a radio.I was stuck behind a Peugeot on a drive up the Fosse Way last night, and, even though there were many long straights with nothing coming the other way, I simply couldn't be bothered to overtake.Hyundai has made this car using all of the lessons it's learned over the years about long warranties and good quality.

But what the company doesn't understand is that when you make a car that's supposed to be interesting, it needs to be interesting.It needs to make a sporty noise, or look good, or corner well. It needs to have a feel, a certain unquantifiable something that sets it apart from the herd. An invisible beckoning finger. A come-hither look in its headlights. It needs to feel like it was made by an enthusiast, someone who likes cars, someone who understands the mechanics of James's sausage. Because, if it doesn't, what you end up with is a Veloster. An accountant in a clown suit.

[tragik]

oh some dude on tv has an opinion?

NO WAY!

[DasBaldGuy]

Clarkson /mancrush

[J-Tim]

Haven't laughed at anything written by Clarkson for a quite some time now. This one's a gem.


Also, I am glad to see that it isn't just me who absolutely hates Veloster's styling. Funky paint is the only exciting thing about the car. The rest is just awful.

[dcmix5]

I saw an orange one in person for the first time. My wife thought it was a CUV of some sort, but yeah, it is really ugly up close.

[BetterByDesign]

Wow he actually mentions the car he is upset about 1/2 way into his drivel instead of filling 3/4 of the page with the usual verbal diaherrea first.

Who says the UK is a miserable place?

[AggvGtivr6]

Great article

That's also one of the ugliest cars ive seen, and can only imagine how horrible it is to drive.

[Hostile]

oh some dude on tv has an opinion?

NO WAY!

[ValveCoverGasket]

terrible looking car
amusing article.

[Eightysixturbo]

People who hate on clarkson are so ****ing annoying to me.

I get it, you don't like him. Why the hell do you feel the need to post that..

Anyway, I agree with this.. If you can get over the quirky styling, you're still stuck in a mediocre car thats not really sporty at all. It's kind of like the CRZ.

[Numbersix]

I really wanted the Veloster to be the modern incarnation of the CR-X.

It just isn't. And that's a shame. And the styling is horribly overdone, which is an even bigger shame.

[Dave Zero]

I like the way it looks and the footprint. If it handled like it looks and had 274 hp motor and AWD, I think it would be an amazing package.

I haven't driven one, but it has to be just as compelling as something like a Sentra SE-R or Matrix XR-S or Scion XB for similar money.

It certainly kicks ass styling wise all over any year Tiburon. People that compare that car to Ferraris are nuts. They look like late model Cavaliers or Sunfires.

[firstorbit84]

I kind of like the looks, but I absolutely agree with Clarkson. I went to test drive a veloster based on looks, practicality, and price point, but the driving experience was awful. Worse than many other base model compact cars by far: sentra, civic, etc.

So bad that I have no idea if even the turbo veloster will save it from mediocrity

[firstorbit84]

I like the way it looks and the footprint. If it handled like it looks and had 274 hp motor and AWD, I think it would be an amazing package.

I haven't driven one, but it has to be just as compelling as something like a Sentra SE-R or Matrix XR-S or Scion XB for similar money.

It certainly kicks ass styling wise all over any year Tiburon. People that compare that car to Ferraris are nuts. They look like late model Cavaliers or Sunfires.

Haven driven the matrix, but its not even close to the sentra se-r and even the scion xb felt more sporty, it was truly unbelievably disappointing to have such a terrible car in such a decent-looking (or at least fresh and interesting-looking) package

[Bones_Jones]

let's get real. veloster is for those who wants an elantra mpg in a sporty outfit. it's not for those who would rather drive a corolla or civic. and no it doesn't try to be GTI or Scirocco. it drives just like any other econo****box.


but this is supposed to be interesting. well supposed to be.



i drove veloster few times, and i thought it was somewhere between accent and elantra. totally forgettable driving experience, but pretty unique package outside.

[AggvGtivr6]

I missed the memo when that style became sporty

[too_slow]

pretty unique package outside.

That's like calling somebody "special" when you intend to call them retarded.

A 2001 Civic LX with a 5spd manual is more involving and fun to drive than the Velostar 1.6 N/A

Kia is one-step away from really good cars. They have the looks, the ergonomics, and definitely with the equipment levels... They just need to snag a few drive-train/suspension engineers from Audi/BMW to make the package complete.

I left Hyundai out because I cannot agree with their design language. It's all over the place..

[Bones_Jones]

That's like calling somebody "special" when you intend to call them retarded.

A 2001 Civic LX with a 5spd manual is more involving and fun to drive than the Velostar 1.6 N/A

Kia is one-step away from really good cars. They have the looks, the ergonomics, and definitely with the equipment levels... They just need to snag a few drive-train/suspension engineers from Audi/BMW to make the package complete.

I left Hyundai out because I cannot agree with their design language. It's all over the place..

01 civic lx with 5spd manual is also more involving and fun to drive than the current civic.

and veloster's style is not for everyone. but it does look unique whether you like it or not. juke too. i kinda like it. my wife hates it.

and i don't agree that hyundai's design is all over the place. they are doing 1 thing and 1 thing only. it's just not your cup of tea, but they've been very consistent.

[DTMTrini]

Wow guys....does it really drive that bad [bad meaning comparable to just a basic commuter car]?? I've yet to get any seat time in one of these, I expected it to have a sporty feel to it, nothing too special but to have a great feel and drive.

[compy222]

"because a fizzing sensation engulfs the root of his penis."

the fact he can get away with that as the first line in a car review...amazing!

[2.0T_Convert]

Wow guys....does it really drive that bad [bad meaning comparable to just a basic commuter car]?? I've yet to get any seat time in one of these, I expected it to have a sporty feel to it, nothing too special but to have a great feel and drive.

I test drove one of the loaded tech package models.

The low profile 18" wheels meant it is kinda sporty as in you feel every bump in the road and bodyroll isn't as bad as pillow tires on base Sentra or Corolla.

Steering is lifeless but the car will still respond well to rapid turn requests. Power is just plain lacking especially from a stop or rolling start. Owners report a transmission update that makes it feel more eager for DSG owners. Without that update or the turbo it feels slower than nearly any economy/mid sizer car I've owned/rented.

[nickthaskater]

In for later entertainment

[deagle]

I didn't se ethat posted anywhere:


http://www.topgear.com/uk/jeremy-cla...rch-2012-03-22




Clarkson on the Hyundai Veloster


James May claims that he knows when he is driving a car with character and panache because a fizzing sensation engulfs the root of his penis.

Unfortunately, because my groin is unmoved by inanimate objects, I have to rely on other means to determine whether a car has flair and zing and all the little things that somehow elevate it from something you need to something you want.

I don't know what these ‘means' are. I have not the vaguest clue how I know the Fiat Panda has character and the Toyota Avensis does not. There is not one single tangible reason why I love the Ferrari 458 Italia but only respect the McLaren MP4-12C. Both cars do the same thing and make the same noise, but one makes your heart sing and the other doesn't.

It's even more peculiar with the Range Rover Evoque and the Land Rover Freelander. Both come from the same people and are designed to do the same job, but one is a tool that will not stir James's tool into action. And one is a tool that will.

We see this not just with cars, but with other machines as well. Why, for instance, do I find the Boeing 777 boring, but get all bouncy when I note that I'm boarding a 747? They are both the same. But they are not. It's a similar story with telephones. Blackberrys cause me to fall into a deep sleep. iPhones don't. The list goes on. People will make a pointless journey in a train if it's being pulled by a steam locomotive. I will buy anything made by Bang & Olufsen.

And even though it's crap, I love the AK-47 so much that I'd rather fight for the Russian army than ours. Just so I could have one. I suppose it's the same with women. You meet thousands and thousands, and there are many whom you respect and like. Then one day, you meet a girl who has lungs and ears just like all the others, but you fall in love. Often, this will be accompanied by a fizzing sensation in the root of your penis.

All of this brings me neatly on to the Hyundai i40, which is a medium-sized saloon car from a giant Korean corporation. It was designed to match the Toyota Avensis and the Volkswagen Passat, and it does so in every way. Which means it's right up there with your dishwasher and your tumble dryer and your boiler as a household product that should - and hopefully will - give many years of faithful service.

Many people who are not interested in cars bought smaller Hyundais under Peter Mandelson's idiotic scrappage scheme, and I'm sure that - to a man and woman - they're all delighted with their new purchase. It's much easier to drive and much less likely to go wrong than the rusty bag of bolts they sent to the knacker's yard.I have no problem with any of this. I quite understand that many, many people see the car as a necessary evil. An expense they can do without. A white good. That's fine. I won't pour scorn on them any more than I would expect Jeremy Paxman to pour scorn on me for buying my trout from a supermarket rather than standing in freezing river water and catching one.
So, yes. If you are reading this in a dentist's waiting room, only because the woman opposite has Hello and the only alternative is a knitting magazine, then buy a Hyundai. Or wait a couple of years and buy a Geely Beauty Leopard, or a JAC J7 from the Chinese. Because it'll be just as reliable and even cheaper.

However, I can't see anyone buying Hyundai's newest car - the Veloster. Because, if you are not interested in cars, you will wonder why it has two doors on one side and only one on the other. And why it has scoops on the bonnet, and why it costs £17,995 when for two-thirds of that you can buy a Hyundai i10, which is easier to park and uses less fuel. And if you are interested in cars, you will hate it on a cellular level, because this is a car that's trying to be something it isn't - interesting.

The brochure talks about ‘sporty acceleration' and a ‘true racing driver experience', but that's like calling me slim and handsome. It's b*ll*cks. This is one of the dreariest cars I've ever driven.Dreary doesn't really matter in a hatchback or a saloon, but it emphatically does matter in a car like this.

We all know the Capri was a Cortina in a posh frock, but we put up with the humdrum underpinnings because it looked so good. We would even pay more. It was the same with the old Hyundai Coupe. That wasn't much cop to drive, but it looked a bit like a Ferrari, if you were far away and it was misty, and, because of that, it was fine.Then you have the Mitsubishi Evo. That looks terrible, but we'll pay the extra and put up with the yawnmatic styling because it's a hoot to drive, because it has character and flair and zing and all the other things that make James's penis quiver.

The Veloster does none of these things. The styling doesn't work at all. It's silly. And because of the split rear screen, you can't see what's behind you. Don't get me started on the doors, either. No, actually, do get me started. What were they thinking of? I realise that a child can't get out into the traffic, and that's nice, but when you're in a car park, or at home, having to shuffle over the seats to get out is a bloody nuisance.

You get the impression that if this car worked in an office, it would have a sign on its desk saying ‘You don't have to be mad to work here...' signifying to everyone that it is the most boring person in the building.

But it's the drive that's worse, because there is not a single thing that leaps out and holds your attention. The engine is an engine. The gearbox is a gearbox. The steering is electric, but not in a good way, and the touchscreen ‘media centre' mentioned in the brochure is a radio.I was stuck behind a Peugeot on a drive up the Fosse Way last night, and, even though there were many long straights with nothing coming the other way, I simply couldn't be bothered to overtake.Hyundai has made this car using all of the lessons it's learned over the years about long warranties and good quality.

But what the company doesn't understand is that when you make a car that's supposed to be interesting, it needs to be interesting.It needs to make a sporty noise, or look good, or corner well. It needs to have a feel, a certain unquantifiable something that sets it apart from the herd. An invisible beckoning finger. A come-hither look in its headlights. It needs to feel like it was made by an enthusiast, someone who likes cars, someone who understands the mechanics of James's sausage. Because, if it doesn't, what you end up with is a Veloster. An accountant in a clown suit.

lol

what do the the english know of making cars ? jaguar and range rovers and rolls royce all suck

j/k of course, but each car has its pros/cons

i guess that it should be taken as a compliment as a car that is more than capable but just doesnt look the part

[InfraRedline]

Wow guys....does it really drive that bad [bad meaning comparable to just a basic commuter car]?? I've yet to get any seat time in one of these, I expected it to have a sporty feel to it, nothing too special but to have a great feel and drive.

I'm not sure why you'd expect it to be sporty. Hyundai hasn't ever done a car worth driving for the pleasure of it. The best cars they make like the Gen and Gen Coupe are competent, as if the Camry chassis team had a sip of wine after work and started experimenting with suspensions that don't bottom over EVERY intersection. Their front-drivers are total rubbish. I believe their engineers are in charge of making sure each car has four springs and four dampers.

Clarkson absolutely hit it on the head. Hyundai is dominating the car-as-appliance buying public and doing it very well. Give credit where credit is due, but nobody should have any reason to believe they are capable of building a truly good driver's car, despite the "interesting" exterior treatment.

[Eightysixturbo]

lol

what do the the english know of making cars ? jaguar and range rovers and rolls royce all suck

j/k of course, but each car has its pros/cons

i guess that it should be taken as a compliment as a car that is more than capable but just doesnt look the part

[Iroczgirl]

Awesome review!

[Silly_me]

James May claims that he knows when he is driving a car with character and panache because a fizzing sensation engulfs the root of his penis.

+1

[Jrod511]

the driving experience was awful.

Oh, awful? Really, a brand new 2012 car was awful? Worse than anything else in it's price range? Awful sounds just awful.

[Robstr]

Also, I am glad to see that it isn't just me who absolutely hates Veloster's styling. Funky paint is the only exciting thing about the car. The rest is just awful.

You aren't alone.
Oh man, I don't normally get my jimmies rustled over some styling, but my body physically rejects the ugly that is the Veloster. Hives, puke, the works.

[tragik]

People who hate on clarkson are so ****ing annoying to me.

I get it, you don't like him. Why the hell do you feel the need to post that..

Anyway, I agree with this.. If you can get over the quirky styling, you're still stuck in a mediocre car thats not really sporty at all. It's kind of like the CRZ.

His show is ok. Kinda silly. But i'm not going to sit here and bash a quirky econobox that, imo, seems to be geared toward women who aren't obsessed with hp or track numbers just because he doesn't like it.

Did he write about how not sporty the scion xb and kia soul were and how 'awful' they are? but whatever, go have fun being sheep making fun of girl cars. i ain' stoppin ya.

[6cylVWguy]

I like Clarkson, but I don't agree with him here. I really like the Veloster. Just like I am fond of the styling of the crossfire which Clarkson panned and I actually bought. If the Veloster Turbo ends up driving close to as well as a GTI, I'd seriously consider purchasing one if I was in the market.

[200HP4dr]

I don't know that I've ever read a car review that has the word Peni5 in it as many times as this does.

And, for the record, I'm totally annoyed by the guys who hate on guys who hate on Clarkson.

Chris

[Silly_me]

I am fond of the styling of the crossfire which Clarkson panned and I actually bought.

I really like the Crossfire, handsome car, better looking than the Merc whose mechanicals it shares IMO. I would not mind owning one.

[IridiumB6]

I love how TCLs approval of the Veloster dropped 10 fold once the Wise One chimes in with an opinion..Biggest circle jerk out there we are..

[pat_ernzen]

Eh, I actually really like the way the rear looks. Not as crazy about the front, but think the rear is great.