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    Thread: Maybe an odd question for a girl but...

    1. Member Spell Check Desk's Avatar
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      07-07-2012 12:37 AM #1
      .....since I have Aspies/ADHD, my memory is horrible. Not to the point I have tie a string around my finger horrible but let's just say I can't remember birthdays, anniversaries etc.

      Just recently, my man got bat**** insane that not only did I forget his birthday but I should at least know what horoscope sign he is. I don't really pay attention to horoscopes, never have, never will, and I apologize for forgetting.

      I also couldn't tell you my parents' wedding anniversary either. Sometime in November...?

      Surely I can't be the only one who forgets this stuff or subconsiously doesn't worry.

      I'm surprised people remember my birthday and it's on New Years Eve!

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      07-07-2012 10:07 AM #2
      I don't hear a question here, but it is very uncommon (especially for a girl) and easy to see why it upsets people. I'm a guy that has a pretty insane schedule, so I know that I will forget important dates and make sure that I have calender reminders to make sure it isn't affecting people around me.

      Honestly, it is just an excuse to blame something like adhd or whatever. You say that you don't forget things- except for things that are important to other people (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). Kind of selective, selfish memory lapses you have there!

    3. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      07-07-2012 01:18 PM #3
      My son is high functioning autistic, not as high as many ASD people. He has an exceptional memory. He also doesn't care about things like birthdays.

      I think that for some people, it's important, socially/societally, to learn and act like things such as birthdays are important. While they may not truly care about those things, it only helps them get along with others if they attempt to act like they do.

      It's these reasons that we have very slowly taught him how to "fake" these empathic reactions. His memory has made it easier for him to remember dates and pull the appropriate response from his learned responses. It really has helped.

      People think he really does care, but he doesn't give a rat's @ss about them or their feelings. It's mostly our secret.

      So, OP, I understand what you are saying but I think it's important to try to do better at these things.

    4. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      07-07-2012 01:30 PM #4
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post
      You say that you don't forget things- except for things that are important to other people (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). Kind of selective, selfish memory lapses you have there!
      I think if you haven't seen it, it's a hard thing to understand.

      My wife, an emotional person, struggled for years with the fact that our son has no real emotional contact with her. I think he loves us, but it's a very different thing than how we feel about him and how our daughter feels about us.

      If you were sitting beside him crying and he saw a half interesting rock beside you, it's quite possible he would totally ignore you and research the rock.

      I'm not giving OP a pass, I'm just making an observation. At her age, being in a relationship, she either needs to be more mindful of these things or try to be with someone who does not care.

    5. 07-07-2012 01:58 PM #5
      I'm not a birthday/anniversary kind of person. If it were up to me, they'd just be regular days. But, I know it's a big deal for my wife and kids. Years ago I set the dates on my google calendar with 30, 14, 7, 3 and 1 day alarms. Presents are bought, cards are signed "enthusiasm" is presented. Just set it up in your calendar with alarms/emails/texts or whatever you're apt to look at and avoid in the future.

      Present him with a "get out of jail" card for when he screws up in the future and rock his world in the bed. All will be forgiven.

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      07-07-2012 04:18 PM #6
      Quote Originally Posted by kar_nut View Post
      I'm not a birthday/anniversary kind of person. If it were up to me, they'd just be regular days. But, I know it's a big deal for my wife and kids. Years ago I set the dates on my google calendar with 30, 14, 7, 3 and 1 day alarms. Presents are bought, cards are signed "enthusiasm" is presented. Just set it up in your calendar with alarms/emails/texts or whatever you're apt to look at and avoid in the future.

      Present him with a "get out of jail" card for when he screws up in the future and rock his world in the bed. All will be forgiven.
      THIS ^

      I'm not into this stuff anymore either, but as said above, I guess I see why other people are. I also have all of my relevant dates in a calendar with alerts (birthdays for the kids and wife, etc.). I also have a new tattoo that I've been drawing to address some of this (you hate tattoos, that's fine - I don't and have many ) as well.

      The other problem that we have had as of late is we have been going through a really bad financial spurt for the last several years. I basically don't have the money to buy presents for anyone, so it's kind of become a non issue. My parents took care of my daughter's birthday a week or so ago, so at least she got something. My wife's birthday is today and some of her friends are taking her out since I can't do anything for her. My other daughter's birthday is in August and I'm assuming my parents will bail her out as well. If it was up to me, I wouldn't bother with any of it anyway - it's so materialistic. It's just like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, etc. I get it, they are "special days", but there just comes a point where I don't like to be guilt tripped into some sort of obligatory response of buying presents on given days. I understand it more for kids, but not so much for adults. I can see things like Valentine's Day being a big deal when you are dating, but not after you've been married for a decade or more. I can see Mother's and Father's Days if you are a new parent, but not after 10 years, etc. I don't expect my kids to do anything for me and I'll be damned if I am going to guilt trip them into anything either.

      That's just me though

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      07-07-2012 05:48 PM #7
      My main point was that rather than just accepting the flaw knowing that it bothers other people, make a point of trying to fix it.

      I personally couldn't care less about holidays and birthdays, etc..

    8. Member Spell Check Desk's Avatar
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      07-07-2012 06:09 PM #8
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      I think if you haven't seen it, it's a hard thing to understand.
      Amen. For me it's forgetting important days but I am so punctual and on time I have a sh!tfit if someone is even five minutes late. Always been like that. I do have a sharp memory for certain things but apparently the ADHD is just going to keep making things get worse (the doctor's word, not mine). He said "just wait until menopause!" Aaaaaaaaaaawesome.
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      My wife, an emotional person, struggled for years with the fact that our son has no real emotional contact with her. I think he loves us, but it's a very different thing than how we feel about him and how our daughter feels about us.
      I'm the same way about certain family members. They've done nothing wrong to me but I have a very hard time connecting emotionally with them. I even have a hard time connecting with my mom.... I've never been a real emotional person... while she is. She tells me I should have been born a gay man because I say what I think.
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      If you were sitting beside him crying and he saw a half interesting rock beside you, it's quite possible he would totally ignore you and research the rock.
      OH MY GOD. I've done stuff like that for years! Sometimes I think it's a subconscious way of dealing with whatever is upsetting me. I can be bawling or sulking about something and see something shiny that catches my attention and I must inspect it for some inexplicable reason.
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      I'm not giving OP a pass, I'm just making an observation. At her age, being in a relationship, she either needs to be more mindful of these things or try to be with someone who does not care.
      LOL. Oddly, most of my relationships have been with men more in touch with their feminine side. Just over ten years ago I was engaged to someone who played all the classic jedi mind tricks women like to play.... the breaking point was when he pulled the "if you don't know why I'm mad I'm not telling you!" trick. No. Just.... No. If I've pissed you off, TELL ME. I don't always realize I've done something wrong and I will drive myself insane if I spend hours overanalyzing what I could have possibly done wrong to make this person upset. Suffice to say, the relationship ended not long after that.

    9. Member Spell Check Desk's Avatar
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      07-07-2012 06:13 PM #9
      Quote Originally Posted by kar_nut View Post
      I'm not a birthday/anniversary kind of person. If it were up to me, they'd just be regular days. But, I know it's a big deal for my wife and kids. Years ago I set the dates on my google calendar with 30, 14, 7, 3 and 1 day alarms. Presents are bought, cards are signed "enthusiasm" is presented. Just set it up in your calendar with alarms/emails/texts or whatever you're apt to look at and avoid in the future.

      Present him with a "get out of jail" card for when he screws up in the future and rock his world in the bed. All will be forgiven.
      That's pretty much what I did, give him the "get out of jail free" card. Trouble is, he's had a conversation with my mom who planted the bug in his head that Aspies and ADHD are cards I play to get out of doing stuff I don't want to. Uhhhh, no.

      I've never been a birthday/anniversary person. I'm just not a very emotional girl. I can even set the alarms in my phone to give me reminders that his (or someone else's birthday) is coming up and I still forget. Not for lack of trying, trust me! But at the same time, the Aspie in me pays attention to the most mundane detail like "he's got a fleck of green in the left eye" and I can fixate on that for hours.

    10. Member Spell Check Desk's Avatar
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      07-07-2012 06:17 PM #10
      Quote Originally Posted by FlashRedGLS1.8T View Post
      My son is high functioning autistic, not as high as many ASD people. He has an exceptional memory. He also doesn't care about things like birthdays.

      I think that for some people, it's important, socially/societally, to learn and act like things such as birthdays are important. While they may not truly care about those things, it only helps them get along with others if they attempt to act like they do.

      It's these reasons that we have very slowly taught him how to "fake" these empathic reactions. His memory has made it easier for him to remember dates and pull the appropriate response from his learned responses. It really has helped.

      People think he really does care, but he doesn't give a rat's @ss about them or their feelings. It's mostly our secret.

      So, OP, I understand what you are saying but I think it's important to try to do better at these things.
      Thanks I'm pretty much the same way. I really have to try hard to remember my niece's birthday is a big deal and can deal with it, but seeing as that I only (finally!) got the ASD diagnosis 18 months ago, it's been a struggle all my life and my mother could never figure out what the hell my issue was. She said that she always knew I was a little, uh, "different" as she put it, but didn't do anything because, she said, nobody wants to admit there might be something mentally wrong with their little kid. I want to think she understands now, but she still accuses me of using the "ADHD card" to be antisocial. It's not being antisocial at all, the Aspie in me can't deal with loud or high pitched noises, and I have a fear or crowds. Even family gatherings trigger what I call my "Aspie alarm". Hanging out in the corner observing is even pushing it so I try to avoid gatherings like that as much as possible. Some of my family understands, thank baby jeebus!

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      07-07-2012 11:58 PM #11
      I guess after reading this, it is a hard question to pose in a general forum. What you say makes sense and I feel for the things you deal with. I read things like this and assume a stance without fully understanding what may be involved. Live and learn, I suppose.

      I seem to find myself apologizing more lately. I don't know if I am growing up at 38 or just getting soft.

    12. Member Tornado2dr's Avatar
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      07-08-2012 05:53 AM #12
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post

      I seem to find myself apologizing more lately. I am just getting soft.
      Yes.

      I could give a crap about birthdays. However, I have the forethought to know that they are important to some, and put reminders to myself about the ones for people I care about and am expected to at least mention.

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      07-09-2012 08:51 AM #13
      Quote Originally Posted by Spell Check Desk View Post
      .....since I have Aspies/ADHD, my memory is horrible. Not to the point I have tie a string around my finger horrible but let's just say I can't remember birthdays, anniversaries etc.

      Just recently, my man got bat**** insane that not only did I forget his birthday but I should at least know what horoscope sign he is. I don't really pay attention to horoscopes, never have, never will, and I apologize for forgetting.

      I also couldn't tell you my parents' wedding anniversary either. Sometime in November...?

      Surely I can't be the only one who forgets this stuff or subconsiously doesn't worry.

      I'm surprised people remember my birthday and it's on New Years Eve!
      So here is a question for you - when did you get diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and how did you go about figuring out that you needed to get a diagnosis? Only reason I ask is that I have always had serious issues with social situations. If it is people that I know well, I'm good. You take me to a party or to some other social situation with people that I don't know and I'm the guy hiding in the corner trying to look comfortable talking to a potted plant. Even if I am going to family events, I just can't handle them (I can't even hang around my parents without feeling uncomfortable). However, if I have to give a presentation or teach a class - I'm fine. After doing more research into Asperger Syndrome, I kind of wonder if that is what I've got. Of course I'm turning 39 tomorrow, so it's not like I can't cope or anything at this point in my life Just curious.

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      07-09-2012 09:17 AM #14
      Wouldn't that fall in line more with social anxiety or GAD?

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      07-09-2012 12:46 PM #15
      Quote Originally Posted by Papa Dras View Post
      Wouldn't that fall in line more with social anxiety or GAD?
      Sure, but it's also indicators of Aspberger's as well (at least from what I've read). Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for an excuse for my paranoia

    16. Banned Hurt's Avatar
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      07-09-2012 03:05 PM #16
      ...Woah. I thought this stuff was programmed in women's brains at birth.

    17. Senior Member FlashRedGLS1.8T's Avatar
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      07-09-2012 08:31 PM #17
      Quote Originally Posted by MeineFolks'wagen View Post
      Sure, but it's also indicators of Aspberger's as well (at least from what I've read). Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for an excuse for my paranoia
      Aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder. So the only way to truly know would be to see a professional for an evaluation. It would take multiple traits to put you on that spectrum, not just general social fears. I'm not saying you aren't but that you may be or may not be.
      Last edited by FlashRedGLS1.8T; 07-09-2012 at 10:10 PM.

    18. Member Spell Check Desk's Avatar
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      07-09-2012 09:30 PM #18
      Quote Originally Posted by Hurt View Post
      ...Woah. I thought this stuff was programmed in women's brains at birth.

      not this woman's

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      07-10-2012 12:56 PM #19
      Did someone say assburgers?


    20. Banned Chilledman's Avatar
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      07-25-2012 01:35 AM #20
      Get a smart phone and program everything into that .

      That's the only way i can remember anything .

      32 ADHD going to a specialist for it right now.

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