I have snipped out a few inconsequential segments and made a couple of edits for clarity. Other than that, here is his story in his own words.

I just spent 2 days in Texas where it was 99 degrees with 99% humidity. Now, before I tell you this story I want to plant 2 images in your head: first is the scene where Bambi falls on the ice with his legs splayed outward and he kinda spins along the slick surface on his belly. The other is any generic memory you have of a cat jumping onto a kitchen counter and not quite making it all the way onto the countertop.

Yesterday (Tuesday, Aug 28th), I was supposed to be in "A," so last week we made travel arrangements to go to A in Austin, but they canceled, so since I already had the travel arranged, my peer in Chicago asked me to come out to "B," also in Austin, to help him with this other meeting. Fine. Get to "B" and my company calls me and says, "Oh, 'A' wants to see you after all, but only if you'll come out tomorrow (Wednesday, Aug 29th)." Well... OK, I didn't have a hotel but I could get one, I could hit up a Costco to get a quick change of clothes--except it wasn't "A," it was "C," a subsidiary of "A" whose sole location was in Houston, as in: we have a problem.

OK, so after my meeting in Austin, I spent the next 4 hours trying to get to Houston. Here's a fun-fact for ya: even with a major rental chain (at least in Texas), you cannot rent a car at one airport and return it to another. Oh, oh, oh, one more thing: you cannot use a debit card, it has to be a credit card, and they need to be able to pull $350-$500 out depending on the chain.

So, picture this: me at 4:30pm Tuesday. In Austin, Texas, with an empty belly and 3.5 hours of plane behind me. 9000% humidity. No change of clothes. I have no cell phone recharger, no laptop power supply (this trip was supposed to be a hopper), and no way to get data off my stupid little external hard drive for the shindig at "C." I do, however, have a pocket full of fifties because I'm trying to combat the anti-debitcard conspiracy machine... and I need to be in Houston by 8:30 the next morning. What does the rational mind come up with?

The rational mind comes up with Greyhound!!!! Of course! What else would one do? I mean, come on, it's completely impossible to draw any other conclusion!

It gets better.

This is my third trip to Texas and I have yet to have a Genuine Texas Ribeye. I'll be damned if I come all the way to Texas again and have drive-thru.

The bus ticket costs $25 on the nose. I hop in at 5:15... and arrive in Houston's Greyhound station at 8:30pm. No rental cars around, plenty of steak houses down the I-10, and I have no way to get there... and they all close at 9pm on a Tuesday. I was fortunate enough to have travel get me a hotel a couple miles from the "C" client, but the cab ride there costs me $47.

soihadgoddamnedchinesetakoutinmygoddamnedhotelroom

Get up this AM, the hotel kindly shuttles me to the Costco, then to the client, all the while letting me charge my cell in his van-bus. "C" goes without a hitch. However, because I went seven minutes beyond my pickup window, the Super Shuttle (blue vans) refuse to pick me up for my flight out of Bush, and it's suddenly raining--torrentially. I call Yellow Cab, they come get me and the 18-mile trip to Bush Intercontinental Airport is eighty bucks!

But one problem: my flight from Austin wasn't cancelled, so when I arrived at Bush... I was stranded unless I could get back to Austin in the next 90 minutes (see above). They put me on a plane out of Hobby (another airport in Houston) because that's the only way they could transfer the ticket without some exorbitant fee. Another $80 later, I'm at Hobby, which is completely grounded because of all the flooding and the rains and the lightning. I'm there an hour trying to get my flight sorted out, and guess where they have me departing? If you picked our 41st president, you're a winner!!!

Catching a cab was easy; they were parading them through the airport like Manhattan at rush hour. I get in one (a Honda Odyssey), and we begin inching our way down the flooded street, like maybe 2 MPH because water is halfway up the tire--seriously, I was waiting for it to come into the van. We're going to enter this tunnel, where above is a service road that goes around the airport parking lots, it's mostly for decoration so they can have all the "Welcome To Houston" in flowers and all. Anyway, we're sitting there, looking at the cars slowly going through the tunnel. The driver and I are seriously concentrating on this, trying to figure out if we should wait for the guy in front of us to go all the way through, or wait for the oncoming guy to come all the way through, or--

W H A M !!!!

A Hereford COW fell from the service road above us and landed on the front half of the hood of my cab. As it twisted around, its front half was still on the hood while its rump was pretty much off the minivan, but cows apparently don't have reverse, so it was floundering around like a cross between Bambi on ice and the Countertop Cat, and my jaw is On. The. Floor. This was happening live in front of me, and I was shocked. The force of impact was so severe, I was thrown upward off my seat and my scalp smacked the headliner. If I hadn't actually seen the cow land on the hood, I would have thought we had been rear-ended at speed--it was that violent.

So while the Middle-Eastern cabbie (a nice guy) is opening the door in a frenzy to try and ascertain the carnage--W H A M !! Another cow fell on the hood--this one square in the center of it. I Swear to God. I throw my hands up, my mouth still hasn't closed and the cabbie screams at me:

"GET OUT! THE COWS ARE GOING TO KILL US!"

No way, Sharif, I'm not moving. I'm in such a state of bewilderment that there is no way in hell I'm giving this up--I want to die under the weight of a small herd of cows that slipped off a muddy service road above the entrance to Houston Hobby Airport. I'm concocting the headlines:

Hobby Hereford Crushes Cabbie.

It's Raining Cows And Dogs.

Steak-Seeking Traveller Eats From Buffet Of Irony.

All my life, I've wanted my life to mean something and I was in a sudden position to be a comical tragedy on Jay Leno. I could not move. I was waiting to see what happened next! I was wondering if I was going to sh!+ my pants if a sheep fell next, or if I'd start crying, or if some farmer would walk up and ask me if I'd seen his Bessie, or what. I was frozen!

COWS fell ON my taxi! And my cell battery was dead! I wanted to take pictures! The cab was immobilized! I had to wait there for the cops to arrive (it was actually only a minute), completely drenched, watching the rest of the cows meander off for higher ground while some KID with a flashlight was standing near the slippery part guiding the cows like they were aircraft. I had already heard the theme song in my mind: "Move 'em on, head 'em up, move 'em out--FLASHLIGHT!"

I got a community service officer to give me a free ride back to Bush, where I caught the plane I would have taken if they had just transferred my flight from Austin to Houston. Yes, in hindsight, I should have just purchased a $300 plane ticket, but cash + 1-way plane ticket + no luggage = body cavity search. Arrived in Ontario about 9:40 tonight, or 2 hours ago. I sat next to a First Officer from another flight who was hitching a ride to Ontario, and I tried to tell him the story, but all he did was give me a stoic look and said, "That's very funny. You should write comedy for a living." Stoic.

Anyway, it's just been...bizarre.

Quote, originally posted by xdre »

None of us are rejecting OHC technology, we just don't accept that it's automatically and intrinsically superior. Especially when it's not.

Quote, originally posted by Juniper Monkeys »

The scale is very complicated. There was some quantitative change, the specifics of which I am not party to.

My neighbor just walked into my room, wearing blue eyeshadow, and wieners on his cheeks.

I am dying here! That is NUTS.

726 people posting in their sigs about how they have access to a secret forum.

Oops--sorry I didn't warn you.

As for the insurance agent question, perhaps I'll ask my wife (she's my agent).

Quote, originally posted by xdre »

None of us are rejecting OHC technology, we just don't accept that it's automatically and intrinsically superior. Especially when it's not.

Quote, originally posted by Juniper Monkeys »

The scale is very complicated. There was some quantitative change, the specifics of which I am not party to.

these cows hate cans!!!

Your buddy made my morning. Yet another reason I think Texas is weird.

Passatworld Mrs 1.8T
CarDomain Blog
Bolt. Recaro recovery, bow headliners, Cabriolet fixin's and other misc hard and soft goods for VWs

im crying. that is hilarious. ...thank your friend for making my day

OMG a girl!!

http://digg.com/offbeat_news/H..._Dogs

Digg it up!

Thank you for sharing!!!

After Being Presented With GT-R, Toretto Agrees Spilner Has Provided Ten-Second Car
- Viergang Fuchs

The advantage to buying a higher-mileage model is that you can buy the car in two payments -- the first is for the initial purchase and the second is for your mechanic's retirement fund.
-PassSedanGLX

I either carry my XD-45 or Kel-Tec .380. Depends on what I'm wearing... the XD-45 is a little large to conceal when wearing shorts. Extra ammo in a backpack in the trunk. Those goddamned zombie bastards aren't going to kill themselves. That's why. - medicracer

GO STEELERS!!!! (OG Fan)

bill

urge to kill...RISING !!!

"Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man."
~ Ralphie, A Christmas Story

I understand. I have never in my life known Carl to outright lie about anything, but when I first read this email I immediately called to question him about it. He's trying to have a local contact find some sort of news report about it--assuming one exists--but so far I have nothing. The minute I do have some evidence, I'll post it in this thread.

Quote, originally posted by xdre »

None of us are rejecting OHC technology, we just don't accept that it's automatically and intrinsically superior. Especially when it's not.

Quote, originally posted by Juniper Monkeys »

The scale is very complicated. There was some quantitative change, the specifics of which I am not party to.

i stil dont get why cows were base jumping?

Quote, originally posted by i_baked_cookies »

The 288 GTO is the best looking thing ever created by humans.

Quote, originally posted by jackboots »

I hereby annex this thread in the name of the MX-5 Miata Roadster, the single most important invention in the history of mankind.

i think it would have been better in person

If you think the Subaru Impreza hatch is ugly in pictures, see it in real life. I thought it was disgusting, then I sat in one and played with the bells and whistles. Loved it.

but lulz